I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
