We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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