I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
