I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
