Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
