I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
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i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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