I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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