Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize