its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
