Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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