i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
