maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
