I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
