You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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