Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.