If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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