just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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