guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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