my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
