I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
