dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.