new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.