You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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