I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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