my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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