I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
