I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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