I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
