oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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