I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I wish I only lived at night.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
