i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
