I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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