I am spending my child support on dildos
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
