You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
