OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
