Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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