I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
