im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
