come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
