She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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