Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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