we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
