Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
