My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
