I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize