Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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