i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize