Your dad touched me again.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
