I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
