you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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