What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
